


Depression Strikes

by Rini2012



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Depression, Mental Illness, Non Fiction, Sadness, Short Story, cathartic writing, inside look
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 06:39:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16571546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rini2012/pseuds/Rini2012
Summary: I felt like I had a duty to give people an inside look on what it's like to have depression start to take over. The last line in the story is not about suicide, it's about stopping myself from just succumbing to the depression.





	Depression Strikes

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't for attention. I'm hoping some people can understand what it's like to live with this mental illness.

Becs knew the drill by this point: the ratty and childhood towels were theirs, the nice green and white towels were mom’s. Fold them longways, shortways, shortways, and put them in the stack. This was one of the few times Becs had the time (or really, attention span) to fold laundry for their mom. If they were honest, it was because they felt too numb to fight doing the chore. Their Calico cat Minerva jumped up onto the couch right when they were about to fold the sheets, but Becs pushed her off with a,

“Minerva, down.”

Once their sheets were folded, Becs decided to go change their sheets on their bed. They were pilled to death, had crumbs on them, and desperately needed a wash. Granted, the sheets hadn’t been changed because both redheads in the flat were severely behind on laundry. They both put it off because of the laundry machines being in the basement while they were on the third floor, also time management, and laziness by Becs.

Becs announced to their mom that they were changing the sheets on their bed, walked to the other side of the flat to their bedroom, and gazed into what they called ‘an abyss of a room’. The floors were covered by trash, clothing, boxes, and random trinkets. So were the art shelves, the bookcases, and the dresser. They never meant for their room to get this bad, and they were at least happy that it wasn’t as bad as the last placed they lived with their mom.

They hated to admit it, but Becs missed the old house. They had lived there for eight years, the longest place Becs had ever lived in, and it was a shelter for them. It was their home through the trauma, the heartbreaks, the suicidal thoughts, and when they decided to get their life together. So one can imagine that when their mom came into the house one winter evening - the last winter they’d be spending there - and announced they’d be moving, Becs was shocked and sad.

The emotions of moving didn’t hit until mom’s friend Jerry, Becs’ friend Isaiah, and the young ginger went to the house to get the last few boxes. Becs was supposed to help with getting the boxes into the car, but they spent the time in what used to be their mom’s room crying and remembering everything that had happened in that house. Nobody had scolded them for their actions, most likely because they understood the weight of the situation for them. Even almost two years later, when Becs dreamt being at home, they were in the old house.

Becs brushed the memories aside and went to work stripping the bed of the multiple heavy blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, and dirty sheet. Then they went through the normal motions of putting the bedsheet on. Top right corner, bottom right corner, shift the bed to create a gap next to the wall, top left corner, bottom left corner, adjust so it goes to the bottom of the mattress, push the bed back.

All the while, Becs thought of what Isaiah had said to their mom not too long ago. Isaiah had been their friend since high school originally online, but then they moved into real life after high school, and now they were best friends. No one would guess that only a week ago that Isaiah was in a mansplaining phase, and now he was open to opinions or accepting when he was wrong. He had been doing work over the past week for Becs’ mom. All of the chores that should have been Becs’ job now fell onto him whilst Becs was in class. According to their mom, Isaiah took one look at Becs’ room and asked,

“Is Becs depressed?”

Mom hadn’t known how to answer that. Isaiah went on to say,

“I’m worried about her. I love her to death, she’s an  _ amazing _ person, but I’m worried about her.”

The only thing that put Becs off about that statement was the incorrect pronouns, but when they started examining their life, they realized Isaiah was right. They started cutting out bits of their hygiene routine in the mornings, barely made an effort to talk to friends outside of school, and rarely had enough energy on the weekends to do anything other than read fanfiction or watch YouTube. The only constant that they kept at was school, setting days when they’d work on homework, taking notes, researching for essays, the works. It consumed their thoughts and kept them going during weekdays.

But was it enough?

The fact that they got hate on a video on an app recently didn’t help, but knowing that the Democrats took congress did. The fact that the White Supremacists were committing domestic terrorism didn’t help, but talking to online friends did. And it made them scared of what would get them out of this one.

The last time Becs was in a downward spiral of depression, it was the worst it had ever been. They only got up to eat, go to the bathroom, take their meds, then slept more. It went on for  _ months _ that way, and how they got out of it was getting Minerva. Becs’ Mom had found a post in their neighborhood FaceBook group that was about a stray cat that was taken in, had it’s kittens, and there were two left. They took the brown and dark brown kitten home with them, and for the first three days the kitten stayed in Becs’ room. Because of this kitten, Becs had a new best friend that would be there for them no matter what. Someone to take care of and play with when everyone else couldn’t.

However, they couldn’t exactly go out to get another cat. It was hard enough training Minerva to not chew on wires or scratch their hands. They had only recently figured out how to give the cat a bath if they were stinking badly. No, another pet was not an option.

Everyone kept telling Becs that being connected to screens was the problem, that the phone and computer were taking up all of their time, but they didn’t understand. If Becs didn’t do those things, they’d just be sleeping all day to make the time pass. The numbness was taking over again, and watching videos or reading fanfiction made them feel  _ something _ . Whether it was trying not to laugh for a try not to laugh challenge, or being close to tears because of a sad scene in a fanfiction, it was  _ something _ , and not the aching emptiness they felt inside. Why couldn’t they understand that?

Therapy wasn’t exactly helping either. They liked their therapist Jen, though they liked Paula better before her, except you couldn’t exactly blame someone for going on maternity leave. Jen didn’t really seem to have a game plan when it came to dealing with problems. Becs was too afraid to say it, so they kept their mouth closed and said it was helping. They didn’t want to burden anyone with wanting to find a new therapist.

In fact, there were a lot of things Becs didn’t say. They didn’t tell anyone about how they were hungrier despite having all the food they needed, they didn’t say how they were constantly on the brink of tears if they thought about everything wrong, they didn’t even message how the happiness in life had drained away. They knew medication wouldn’t fix it, it was all on them, but how the hell were they supposed to get through it and overcome it? That now plagued them and they never came up with an answer.

There were also plenty of things Becs hated about themself. Like how they couldn’t drink regular water without tasting every little thing in it. Oh how they wanted badly to drink straight out of a water fountain without the need for flavoring packets. They hated how they couldn’t eat healthy food apart from carrots, bananas, and apples. Dear lord, he chlorophyll in plants _helps_ _you_ , you know it tastes bad, but it’s _healthy_. They hated how no matter how much time passed, they couldn’t lose weight. People online say you look like a toad, or their go-to insult is your weight. Fucking change it already!

But they couldn’t, not with the emptiness still there.

They prayed to all deities that existed that something would happen,  _ something _ would pull them out of their stupor, and they wanted it to happen quick. They didn’t want to just go through the motions of the day anymore. They didn’t want to just  _ exist _ anymore, they wanted to draw again, wanted to be with friends again without being bored, they wanted to actually  _ live _ . Crying would help, but it was only a bandaid. Validation from strangers on the internet was temporary.

**_Someone save me before it’s too late!_ **


End file.
